When Togetherness Feels Out of Reach

Franciska Neuhäuser
Dec 16, 2025
4 min read

Loneliness and Fractured Relationships During the Holiday Season

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of effortless togetherness -- long family meals, laughter, shared memories, and warm connections. Yet for many people in Aotearoa, this time of year brings something quite different. Empty chairs at the table. Distance form loved ones. Conflict that has never quite healed. Or a quiet ache that lingers even in the presence of others. Loneliness is far more common than we tend to admit, and the festive season can magnify it in unexpected ways.

If you are feeling lonely, disconnected, or uncertain about the relationships in your life right now, please know this: there is nothing wrong with you. Loneliness is not a personal failing. It is a human experience that arises when the connections we long for feel distant, strained, or out of reach. Even people in relationships, families, or busy social circles can feel painfully alone. Loneliness is about emotional cloesness, not headcount.

The end of the year can intensify these feelings. Cultural expectations of "togetherness" create pressure to have the perfect family moment or the joyful reunion. Some people grieve relationships that have ended. Others long for relationships that never fully formed. Some carry the weight of family conflict or estrangement. And many, quietly, wish things were simply different.

So how do we care for ourselves in a season that was not designed for loneliness? How do we find meaning and belonging when our relationships feel complicated or fragile?

Acknowledge what is true for you

Loneliness can feel shameful, as though admitting it means you have failed at friendship, family, or life. But naming loneliness often brings relief. It validates your experience and calms the nervous system. You are not weak for feeling this way. You are human. You are responding to unmet need for closeness, safety, or understanding.

Take a breath and say, even silently, "This is lonely. And it makes sense that I feel this way." You may notice a softening inside. Loneliness becomes more bearable when it is acknowledged instead of hidden.

Let go of the myth of the "perfect family Christmas"

Many of us carry inherited ideas about how the holiday season should look -- peace, harmony, unity, effortless connection. But real families are complex. They include differences in values, unresolved conflicts, personality clashes, and histories that cannot be smoothed over by a share meal.

It is okay if your relationships are not where you wish they were. It is okay if gathering with family feels stressful or unsafe. it is okay if the people you long for cannot show up in the ways you need. Releasing the fantasy of the perfect family can create space for more authentic forms of connection.

Choose emotional safety over obligation

If certain gatherings leave you feeling drained, anxious, or unseen, you are allowed to set boundaries. You can shorten visits, decline invitations, or choose smaller, more manageable interactions. Emotional safety is not selfish. It is foundational.

Consider asking yourself, "What would feel most supportive for me this year?" Your answer may surprise you. Sometimes, choosing peace -- even if it means stepping back -- is the most compassionate option for everyone involved.

Create connection in small, meaningful ways

Connection does not always require grand gestures or large gathering. A single genuine conversation can be more nourishing than a room full of noise. You might:

send a message to someone you trust
reach out to a neighbour
attend a community event
join an online group or interest space
invite one person for a walk or coffee

Human beings are wired for connection, and even small, warm interactions can soothe loneliness. Think of connection as a series of tiny bridges rather than a single large one.

Grieve the relationships that hurt or have been lost

The holiday season can stir up grief -- not only for people who have passed away, but also for relationships that have changed, fractured, or ended. Allow yourself to feel that grief. It is a sign of your capacity to love and your deisre for closeness.

Writing about your experience, speaking with a counsellor, or creating a small ritual of acknowledgment can help you integrate the emotions. Grief becomes gentler when it is given somewhere to rest.

Build moments of meaning and comfort

Loneliness often feels larger during the holidays because we expect joy. But meaning does not depend on a full house or a perfect family photo. It can be found in small, intentional choices:

lighting a candle for someone you miss
visiting a place that feels comforting
cooking a favourite mean
playing music that soothes you
creating a new tradition that is yours alone

These moments of meaning remind you that you matter, that your inner world is worth caring for, and that belonging begins with how you treat yourself.

Final Thoughts

If this season brings loneliness or complicated relationships, please remember that your experience is valid. You are not alone in feeling alone. There are ways to soften the ache, nurture connection in small steps, and build a holiday that supports your emotional wellbeing rather than strains it. May this season bring you pockets of peace, gentle moments of comfort, and the knowledge that your feelings make sense. You deserve understanding, safety, and connection -- in whatever form is possible for you right now.

References

Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. The Lancet, 291(10119), 426.

Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioural Medicine, 40(2), 218--227.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144--156.

Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning reconstruction in the wake of loss. Death Studies, 25(1), 1--17.

Rokach, A. (2019). The psychological journey to and from loneliness: Development, causes, and effects of social and emotional isolation. The Journal of Psychology, 152(7), 792--812.

Weiss, R. S. (1973). Loneliness: The experience of emotional and social isolation. MIT Press.